Random Musings

My Greatest Fear

You’d think it’d be something really dramatic. I mean, my greatest fear, my ultimate fear, the one that if I think about too much head on, it induces the closest thing to a panic attack that I’ve ever experienced, is death. Just the idea that I’m not certain, despite my faith, of what happens after and possibility that one day, everything I could know would just go black and that’s the end of that…fucking terrifies me. So that’s my greatest fear, but that’s not the focus of this post. It’s like how, when someone asks you what your favorite book is (ignoring the fact that I can never truly pick one), I’ll usually list off a couple, but I always make the caveat of, “But after Tolkien, because he’s on a totally different level.” Death is a different level as far as fears go.

But my greatest every day fear?

It’s getting in trouble.

Sounds so pathetic, when I write it out like that, yeah? And I didn’t really realize it, not fully. Like, I always knew how much I hated getting in trouble, but I never truly realized that I feared it, quite truly. I’m not even sure where that fear comes from. I mean, I’ve always been that goodie-twoshoes type, right? That stereotypical “good kid” who was a worry wart and cared too much about what everyone else thought and focused more on getting straight A’s than anything else. Growing up, I got grounded a couple of times, but nothing super major; nothing to warrant this kind of true fear I have with getting in trouble. Yet it’s definitely there, from not speaking my true opinion because I don’t want to upset someone or doing (/avoiding) something because I don’t want to get trouble, it’s constantly surrounding me and affecting my decisions/choices.

the sandlot GIF

Hell, even the other day, I said something to my boyfriend and he turned around and asked, “Why are you always so scared I’m going to be mad at you?” And he was right to question that, because he’s never done anything to make me worry and believe that something I choose to do or something I say is going to upset him. Yet I’m always nervous that something will. Same thing with my friends or my family, to the point where I get nervous tightenings in my stomach when I have to tell a friend I can’t make it to an event they want me to be at or I’m running late, because I’m so worried they are going to be upset with me.

Perhaps it’s just not the fear of getting in trouble, but the fear of disappointing others, too. A nice, lovely combo, that.

Where does this fear come from? What’s my source?

I wish I knew. I wish I could tell you, because perhaps if I could figure out how this switched from just your general uncomfortable feeling you get when someone is upset with you to a genuine fear of it happening, perhaps I could do a better job managing it. But I’m truly not sure. And that’s…well, that’s about all I have for this post, honestly. Just some ramblings over another realization I’ve had about myself and how my brain works.

Sorta.

Cheers.

2 thoughts on “My Greatest Fear”

  1. I think your fear might stem from treasuring those people too much. You are constantly worried that you might upset or offend them by being you, because you’re afraid that this instance is what will finally drive them to leave you.

    I relate to this so much because I used to be afraid of offending or upsetting people too. Maybe I still am. Conflicts and confrontation terrify me, and I would never initiate one, because I’m too afraid that the person will despite me and leave me once I make them mad or sad.

    It might help to bear in mind that the people whom you care so much for also care about you equally, and if they were worthy of your love, they wouldn’t be driven away by you just being yourself or asserting your stand 🙂

    1. Gosh, my Mom brought up a similar point and I didn’t even *think* about that, but I also think it could totally and utterly be true! I do think it’s important to simply remember that they aren’t just going to disappear because I can’t make one dinner date or I double planned something and have to choose one or just for having different views. And if they do, that says a lot, too. Definitely need to work on remembering that. Thank you for opening my eyes up to that reality! ❤

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