Random Musings

Concocting Confidence

This is a topic I’ve written about a lot before, so it’s not surprising that it’s showing up again, especially as it’s something I still struggle with: self-confidence. I’m still a lot better than I used to be, back in middle school, high school and maybe even college. I might even dare to claim I’m the most confident that I’ve ever been in my life, at this point. But, at the same time, I got worked up over something trivial this weekend thanks to my lack of confidence in myself and saw how deep that lack of confidence has seeped into other parts of me; into my relationships and friendships, how I view myself in the world, what I believe I can do. I saw more clearly how my lack of confidence helps fuel vices I wish I didn’t have, like major jealousy issues and insecurity.

I’m not sure why it hit harder this past weekend than it usual does, but it got me thinking about how, truly, none of these thoughts and feelings would exist if I just dared to give myself a little credit, believe in myself a little more, perhaps even purposefully work on having confidence. Realizing that, I started to really think about why I don’t have any confidence in myself, because, if I sit down to think about it, I actually really like who I am.

I know I always have room to improve, but I love my quirks and my interests and passions (which might be a no-brainer, but…). I love that I’m a writer with a presence in that community and the book review/blogging community. I love my obsession with Tolkien, my shy nature and comfort zone that I can expand when I really want to in order to act like an introvert, even if I complain about how it’s hard, sometimes, to be so naturally introverted. I love being a nerd, prolly more than anything (aside from being a writer). I have some good strengths, I think, and a good heart.

So why do I struggle to believe in myself with even my passions, like writing novels (always believing they are shit and being surprised on the days in which they aren’t)? Why do I struggle to speak up in social situations when I know my voice wants to be heard and I know I can do it, but I choose not to and have a lesser time for it? Why do I fear that any other woman is going to steal my boyfriend away from me because they are “enter adjective here”, even though I know he loves me? Why do I hate myself when I look in the mirror and feel so guilty when I skip a workout or eat shitty on the weekends, having meltdowns when my weight goes up instead of down?

And then I stumbled upon this quote:

Feed | Pinsta.me - Instagram Online Viewer

Not only did I think to myself, Man, I wish that described me, but it reminded me of why all my confidence issues and insecurities are there. It’s not because of a lack of confidence in myself or my own relationships and friendships.

It’s a fear of what others how others will perceive me.

But not only that. It’s me taking it a step further and, instead of just having a fear that others will think of me as lesser than what I am, I go ahead and believe that to be true and then convince myself that, because someone else might think it, then it must be true.

Friends, that is a lot of power to give someone who isn’t yourself.

el dorado GIF
To all those thoughts and insecurities I needlessly create *for myself*.

I know this way of thinking and why someone might have confidence issues is nothing new. It’s just something that’s been on my brain and my heart this week and it’s something I want to actively work on. Because I don’t like not being confident in myself simply because I have love handles and back fat; or I’m nerdy instead of cool; because I’m straight-edge and act more like a Grandma than a mid-20-something; a homeless romantic and a bookworm.

Regardless of what it is, this is who I am. Quite frankly, I am tired of allowing myself to create an image or opinion of myself that is lesser of who I actually am, turning that image into a belief, based on opinions that honestly, prolly don’t exist. And even if they did, why would I give someone else that much power to change my own opinion of me? That isn’t to say that there isn’t room for improvement–there are so many ways for me to still improve and self-improvement is one of the truest constants in life, I think. But having confidence–not cockiness–is something that I want. And I believe it is something I can create and shape, if I start actively working towards it and believing it.

So, how about we get started on that, shall we?


6 thoughts on “Concocting Confidence”

  1. Very insightful post – I think you’ve described it very well.

    I don’t tend towards jealousy and I appreciated the insight. It’s a strange emotion for me to understand. I certainly always struggle with self-confidence about various skills, but I tend not to get jealous of people. (A boyfriend who wanders isn’t worth it in the first place, after all…and all relationships end, somehow, eventually, so…but I am admittedly not very romantic.)

    Good for you for being able to be so honest about it! That takes guts. And I would *love* to be able to say that I had six finished novel drafts. I’m hoping to be able to say I’ll have *one* before the year ends, but am starting to worry that it won’t be true.

    1. Well thank you, Mae!

      I honestly wish I wasn’t jealous, but with a little introspection, I realized I’m actually a very jealous person, whether it was getting jealous of a friend who hung out with another friend more growing up or getting jealous of the female friends my boyfriend hangs out with…it’s obviously something I need to work on, because I do *not* like that aspect of me and my friends/family/boyfriend deserve better than to deal with that petty kind of response.

      I bet you will have one by the end of the year! And, even if you don’t make that specific goal, you’ve made progress this year that you haven’t had before! And that’s an achievement we don’t celebrate often enough.

  2. I struggle with confidence on a daily basis! I think we both overthink everything and need to learn how to have that confidence consistently! You are a beautiful, caring, wonderful young woman! Never forget that!

  3. The struggle is real! I think in today’s society especially it is hard not to worry what others think or to see someone’s post about how “perfect” their life is and not wonder why you are struggling with confidence when it doesn’t seem that anyone else is. But I am right there with you! Remember that you are beautiful, caring young lady and have a gift when it comes to writing! We just need to remember how great we really are! 🙂 Love you!

    1. Aww, thanks Mom! You’re totally right in how today’s society makes it difficult to actually put this into practice, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t try out best anyway. Love you!

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