I’m in kind of a weird mood tonight, friends, so just hang on with me on this one.
This week has been…kinda weird, I guess? Overall, it’s been pretty good. In some ways, I’ve been productive: blogging, paying the bills, catching up on some backlogged ARCs. But in other ways–I’d argue two of the most important ways, personally–I’ve been really unmotivated; writing and workout out, the latter especially. I edited a little bit, needing to work on some kinks before I could start to truly edit, but then ran out of time when I had to leave for a meeting. Then, between work projects and preparing for MiddleMoot this weekend, I just sort of ran out of time. I do admit I could have done better on the writing front, but that’s not really where the focus of this post is.
No, it’s about not working out and the guilt I’m feeling towards that, that’s been eating me up all week.
With working out, I’ve truly just been lazy. I walked quite a bit on Wednesday, did a half-assed leg work out and a long walk on Tuesday, but otherwise, have done absolutely nothing. And I’ve been in a slump, mentally, going back to hating my body constantly and worrying about “becoming fat” again, which puts pressure on me to work out, yet I wake up in the mornings tired and feeling lazy, so I choose not to and then feel guilty about it the rest of the day, fearful of what’s going to happen to my body if I don’t continue the dedicated workout schedule I had before.
And it’s really been bothering me.
Because I should love my body. It’s strong and I can do pretty much whatever I want, i.e., go for a walk or a run or a hike (pull-ups are still beyond my reach, but damn if I won’t get there someday). And I have noticed my muscles getting stronger, since I’ve switched from solely cardio to doing strength training and adding in walks when I can. And I know that results aren’t going to happen overnight, that the chances I want to make are going to take time and dedication and hard work. So why do I fixate on what “still” hasn’t changed instead of celebrating where I’ve come from and what I’ve achieved?
And why am I freaking out so much about this? Like, seriously freaking out about it constantly (my poor boyfriend doesn’t hear the end of it). Perhaps it is because this is when my period should start, perhaps it is because I don’t want to go back to hating myself truly, day in and day out, like I used to physically. Perhaps it’s just because I miss the feeling of getting up early and starting my day off with a work out, which sets up the rest of my day on a positive note, and yet I’m angry, because the only person who prevents me from doing this now is myself, either making excuses or just constantly finding reasons not to.
So that’s been on my mind lately, but a lot this week. I don’t have a lot of motivation right now but I want it. I miss it, because I miss the way it makes it feel, I miss the confidence it gives me and I miss the way it just sets up the day to be successful. I’m hopeful that next week, being the start of a new week, can get me back on the grind and back into the swing of things and that hopefully, this is just a period of a lull, where I’m not exactly where I want to be and being on top of everything as I want to be, but I’m also not doing nearly as poorly as I think I am, either. Of course, being me, I had to blog about it, just to get it off my head space. So thanks for taking the time to read it.
Wishing you and yours a wonderful weekend!