Random Musings

Losing My Vantage Point

Hello, loves.

This is something I’ve been wanting to write about for a while, but it just hasn’t happened yet. Recently, I’ve been a pretty bad depressive rut. I’ve lost a lot of motivation to do…anything, really. I’m back to hating my body, after I stopped working out and lost all the progress I had made. I find myself not wanting to read or write. I’ve even come to hate my job, one that I’ve held for almost four years, now.

Because I’m really stuck in looking at the negatives.

Usa Network No GIF by Psych

This new attitude towards my job is a surprising one, for me. I am very lucky to have the job that I have. I enjoy working at an academic library. I enjoy being able to assist and help out college students. I love working with my student staff (they are amazing) and I have the best boss I could ever ask for, because he is so understanding, encouraging a healthy work-life balance and is always willing to support me, whether it’s in growing professionally, being adaptive and empathetic to the struggles of my position or not asking questions if I tell him I need to take a mental health day. I’m also lucky enough that, when the desk is slow, I can work on personal projects, like my blog or reading, while I wait for students to need my help. I’ve also grown as an employee, working in my first supervisory role, and, for the first full-time job I’ve held outside of college, I think I’ve done pretty well!

But lately, I’m not thinking about any of that.

I’m focused on my shitty hours, working 3pm-12am Sunday through Thursday. I’m focused on how I never get to eat dinner fresh or with my boyfriend and how I never get to see him, since we work opposite schedules. I’m thinking about how I can’t go have dinner with my family or meet up with friends because they are all free when I’m working and weekend plans fill up so fast, when someone says, “Hey, do you want to catch up?”, my response is always, “Sure, are you free in two months?” I’m zeroed in on how I haven’t ever received a raise at this position and, thanks to moving debt, my rent increasing every year and new puppy medical bills, I’m back to paycheck to paycheck and I hate it. Especially when I always exceed expectations on my evaluations and then I look at the system and how I’m at the very bottom and taken advantage of and I know it, yet can’t do anything about it because, despite wishing I made more money and despite wishing I worked days, I can’t afford to lose this job, because at least it’s enough to pay the bills, even if it isn’t enough to do anything else without requiring a second job.

Usa Network GIF by Psych

Focusing on all of that has…kinda sucked, not going to lie. It makes it difficult to go to work because I just don’t enjoy the work anymore. And I know that I should be grateful for the job that I have, because I can pay my bills. I’m able to sleep in when I need to (and I’m not the best morning person). I can go to appointments without taking time off work. I have really good benefits as far as vacation and sick leave go (not so great on the health insurance front). My work week feels like it goes by faster, even if the weekends always feel too short. I have a low stress job that has it’s peak season, but I can always leave work at work. I am very lucky and should embrace that more.

And usually, I do. It’s just been…harder to do, as of late? I’m not sure if that is just a side effect of the depression I’m battling currently; a result of applying to a few different jobs to help either increase my pay or get me closer to my boyfriend’s schedule and yet not being selected after two interviews (or even reaching the interview stage, for some); or just working for the same job for almost four years that I never intended to turn into a career and just feeling…underappreciated and taken advantage of because I’m on the “night person” shift.

I’m not asking to not work. Although I’d love to be a stay at home writer, there is no way my finances would make that work, especially since I’m, ah, not even published yet (and I know that, even if I were, the chances of me making enough money to solely live off of is very slim indeed). I’m a hard worker and I enjoy being productive. I’m happy to put in my 40 hours a week to earn my salary and then enjoy the weekends. I think I’d just like…a job where I actually have some financial security. A job that allows me to be able to go shopping every once in a while and build up my savings and travel for vacations. A job that I feel appreciated and make a difference. A job that doesn’t prevent me from seeing my boyfriend and allows me to have dinner with my friends.

So, you know, something completely impossible, apparently.

Usa Network Hug GIF by Psych

I’m just…so tired of being so stressed out all the time. Of being unable to pay off medical bills. Of fighting for a raise and being denied one every time because it’s “not in the budget,” yet our admin department averages over 50K a person (with some closer to six figures than five), yet I bring home less than 30K a year after taxes, retirement and healthcare.

I wanted to turn this around and talk about how I just need to change perspective, since I’ve seemed to lost my vantage point in terms of being appreciative of what I have (which is a very true statement). But, I guess I just needed to rant more than anything else, because I’m just not feeling the positive spin right now. I think I need a change, on top of altering my mindset.

I’m just not sure what that change is, yet.


18 thoughts on “Losing My Vantage Point”

  1. Goodluck, Nicole!

    Believe me, I understand your pain very much. Without going into too much details and making this about me, let’s just say I’ve been facing difficulties (especially financially) for a while now. I wish you the best of luck, it’s always hard to “look at the bright side” but I hope you (and me too) can have more positive outlook on the things we should be grateful with! Hope things will turn around for you soon! 🙂

    1. Thank you, Petrik!!

      I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with a similar pain. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but especially not someone who I admire, like yourself! I hope we’re both able to find the light to focus on as we try and deal with all the bullshit. I’ll be rooting for you and if you ever need to rant, you know how to get a hold of me!

  2. Sorry to hear you’re having a rough time! Do you have any vacation time or any time off coming up? I think anyone who works can understand the feeling of falling into a rut and especially with your schedule it can get tough. Sometimes a bit of time away can do wonders for the mindset and help your mood “reset” itself, if you know what I mean! It sounds like you need a break either way, is it possible to ask your boss for some time off, even a weekend away can help a lot! Hope things look up for you soon!

    1. I do get to go on vacation the week of Christmas to visit family in NC, so I’m very excited about that!! I totally know what you mean, but I’m trying to save up all my vacation time for that, so I just gotta stick it out for a few more months. But, perhaps I can try and really embrace the weekends and what I do have/am able to do, so I’m able to deal with the weeks a little better. It’s a work in progress, for sure!

      Thanks for the advice, Mogsy! ❤ It means the world, truly!

  3. Nothing wrong with a good rant. The depression monster is a crafty beast, and yet, sometimes gripes are justified. Wanting to be on the same sched as those you love is never a gripe – it’s an important need, as is a raise, and other things you mentioned. So glad that you are brave enough to share this with us all, so we know we are not alone.

  4. So sorry you’re in a rut, I know what that’s like. I hope venting has helped relieve even a tiny bit of the pressure. I feel like I’m just posting the equivalent of the cat poster (“hang in there!”) but I really do hope you manage to find a way out that puts you in a better mental and financial situation!

    1. Venting DEFINTIELY helps, so I’m glad people don’t seem to mind people using this as my outlet to do just that! Haha, honestly, I still appreciate that! Lets me know I’m not just shouting at the void and not feel as alone. ❤

  5. Oh Nicole, I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been feeling that way about your job lately. Sometimes writing it all down really helps and just letting it all out, everything that bothers you, too, and I hope writing this post helped you a little bit. ❤ I wish I had some advice, but like you said, it's also all about perspective and there are times where, no matter what, we can't help but only see the glass half empty. I hope that this time will pass and I really hope that you will find something that fulfill you and makes you feel better mentally, as well as is better for your life, too. These things take time, but don't lose hope, I am certain you'll find a way out of this. I'm sending you all the love and always here for you if you need ❤

    1. Ah Marie, thank you so much! I teared up reading your post and it means the world to hear your faith in me, especially when it’s so hard to keep faith in myself and the situation, sometimes! Thank you for being there and being a light no matter what I’m dealing with at work! ❤ ❤ You're the BEST.

      1. I know what it feels like at times and I’m always, always here to be your light and positive cheerleader whenever needed ❤

  6. Sounds like the problem is the hours more than anything: It makes you isolated because nearly everyone else is on a different schedule 😦 Is there any way to renegotiate the hours at work so you do a couple of day shifts a week? If your boss is understanding and supportive of work-life balance they might be willing to help out?
    I don’t know how things are over there, but here the job market is tough and getting to interview stage twice is a huge achievement, so well done 🙂 I hope things resolve soon, it’s no fun feeling down, especially when it effects writing.

    1. Oh, I definitely think it’s come down to the hours, now, which sucks. Because I have brought that up to my boss, but the main aspect of my job is working those hours (it’s the jobs entire point, almost?) so, despite the attempt, that didn’t go through. My boss is still very understanding of what I’m going through, but he can’t really change the position itself because they still need someone to work those hours, if that makes sense?

      Aww, thank you! We have a pretty tough job market, too (and you’re right, because the amount of jobs I haven’t even gotten a response from my application is just depressing). But hopeful it will all look up soon!

      1. Ah that sucks 😦 Hopefully you’ll find something more suitable soon, or the editing business takes off 🙂
        And same here, a lot of jobs never bother to contact you, and it doesn’t take much to send an acknowledgement they received the email either. Half the time I’m left wondering if my applications got lost in cyber space!

      2. Thank you!! Yeah, I agree: if I can take the 30 minutes to an hour formating my cover letter and resume, you can spend a minute sending a form rejection if you choose someone else. *shrugs*

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