Last Updated on June 5, 2023 by ThoughtsStained
Hello, loves! It’s time for another personal post! In this one, I’m looking specifically for some advice, related to one key element: creating happiness. Particularly daily happiness. I’ll give some more context below about where this is coming from, but a quick preview? Basically, I didn’t realize how much I’ve struggled with depression, of late. And I want to change that.
The Context
If you want to learn more about the toxic day job saga, you can read some earlier writings here or here!
As someone who has always had some level of depression (including being medicated for it currently), being depressed feels…baseline, to me. Yet, I didn’t realize just how bad it’d gotten until my partner and I had a heart-to-heart recently. He talked about how he was worried for me. At first, I didn’t see why, getting defensive and hurt he hadn’t brought it up sooner.
Reflecting, I can see it more clearly now. For the past few years, I’ve been feeling a mix of the following, if not daily, then certainly weekly:
- Loss of interest/struggling to engage in hobbies
- Intense anger
- Sadness and crying
- Depressive spirals
- Heightened jealousy
- Lack of communication
Yeah, probably should have been obvious, yet it’d become my new normal, so I didn’t realize how bad it was. My first thought, though, when my partner bought this up?
Of course I’m depressed. Who can be happy in this timeline?
The Backdrop
I have a LOT of privilege. But a few of my identities are those that have been attacked in our country. Being queer is one of them, though as a bisexual woman dating a man, I pass as straight easily. Being a woman has always had its challenges. Becoming disabled is something I’m still learning to work through. Financially, I have never been stable.
But, when you scale back from my personal identities and look at the state of the world right now, I think it’s not surprised my depression got worse.
A non-exhaustive list includes:
- Pandemic (ongoing and dealing with being one of the few who still takes it seriously)
- Financial struggles (debt, living in a country that has billionaires, lack of minimum wage raise, inflation)
- Rise of fascism and white supremacy in America
- The attack on queer people, especially trans youth
- The hopelessness surrounding climate change
- Losing faith in humanity seeing responses to the above
I think that is the first question I have, for anyone reading this. Amidst this backdrop, how do you hold onto happiness? How do you create it, or find it, daily?
Creating Happiness: Ideas
Though this revelation of how bad my own mental health has gotten is still fresh, I have started looking at how to take care of my mental health better. Officially leaving my toxic job and having three weeks off until the 26th of June is helping more than I can express. This is the happiest I’ve been in literal years. So, I think it’s safe to say that, for me, the toxic job was the key to how bad my depression was getting. I really hope my new job will be much better.
Here are a few things I’m also planning to explore:
- Therapy: I kept not going due to cost, but my partner and I agreed that we must figure out a way to financially bear it, because mentally I cannot. I have a new therapist I am meeting with next week, so I hope it goes well!
- If you’d like to help out, I have a Patreon ($2 a month) that I’m only two people away from ten patrons, so that’d be amazing!
- Write and read more: Working on my new WIP has been so wonderful. Dreaming about self-publishing and writing books FOR ME and moving on from trad publishing sounds more exciting by the day. Reading books always feeds my soul. So, I need to make time for those things.
- Be in nature: I have always been happiest when I am in nature, especially with trees. I need to find ways to be surrounded by trees more.
- Daily routines: Something else I’ve struggled with is not taking care of myself daily, seeing that as time wasted or too much effort. Gotta rewire that part of my brain.
All of this sounds great, in theory. And, being off from a day job where you’re locked in from 8am-5pm, I’ve been able to implement a lot of this. I do fear I won’t be able to keep it up, when I go back to working full-time. Or how I give myself grace, when I fuck up. Plus, how to adjust with limitations, like financial and time.
In Sum
So, that’s why I wrote this post, about the importance, for myself, of creating happiness. I’d love to hear from you and how you do it. How do you find joy when the world is awful? For those who also have depression, how do you navigate the world with it? Is there other advice you’d offer or practices you’d recommend?
It’s weird, how obvious it was, that I haven’t been okay. Yet it took a lot for me to accept it and now, try to change it. All advice, feedback and encouragement welcome!
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I definitely can relate to your struggles with time. I feel like I never have enough time between my full-time job and being a parent and having other hobbies besides writing (like gaming and reading and heck, just watching tv). It can be a lot to navigate, but I think it’s important to set small goals and just approach writing as something joyful and therapeutic and happy. While I know you share the same goal as me- to be published some day, it sometimes feels hard and far away (and sometimes this hits me harder than others), but just finding joy in a few written words or story ideas might be really helpful. I lately have been trying to write down notes or ideas in a small notebook I carry or on my phone and I end up getting more words written that way. I’m also trying to be gentle with myself. It’s hard to adjust to certain things that come up in life (like new jobs!), so some weeks I write less than others, and that’s okay. It’s always a balancing act and time management one too. At the end of the day, as long as you’re trying, welcome that as progress and don’t let yourself get hung up on what you haven’t achieved yet (it’s easier said than done of course!). But just know after this really long, possibly unhelpful ramble, that I’m really rooting for you! I’m so in love with your stories and can’t wait to see where they take you!
And one other small thing that helps bring me joy lately is just going outside. For walks, just to sit and look at flowers or read in the sunlight. I really enjoy yoga and meditation too, but I don’t always have the time for that so I just do it when I can! 🙂
I’m finally catching up with comments (😅) but after starting my new day job today and having 6:45am to 6:00pm now be taken up by getting ready, going to work, getting home, eating dinner and cleaning up, OOF. Not enough time is just a reality I’m not sure how to conquer!
But this is NOT an unhelpful ramble at all. It’s really heartening to hear and listen to, and I appreciate it very much. I hope you’ve been able to do all the things that bring you joy lately. ❤️
I’m not a licensed pro at any of this nor do I have chronic depression (though I think most of us struggle with lower points, myself included), but I think the fact that you’re asking for help is an amazing first step. Don’t ever discount that. The ideas you listed as potential avenues of exploration are also fantastic. I find that tending to my garden or talking a walk really helps–I recently read an article in my regional newspaper about how much being in nature helps with boosting one’s mood; even just listening to bird sounds helps.
Some other suggestions include meditating, which I don’t really do, but I know a lot of people who do and they really like it. You may have heard of apps like Calm and even the Peloton fitness app has meditations of various lengths. What really helps me is not fixating on the news because it has a negativity bias. I’m not saying the news isn’t important, but things that make us unhappy are sensationalized. And honestly that has a huge effect on my mood. At first I felt kind of bad I wasn’t keeping up with everything, but long term it has been huge for me to focus on things that bring me joy, or focus on one or two news items that I want to keep up with.
Anyway, those are just some ideas. I wish you all the best in your avenues to happiness! <3
Thank you so much, Celeste! I definitely connect with what you shared and agree: being with nature just *hits* differently!
I love all of your ideas and appreciate you sharing them so much! I am rooting for you to have daily joy every day, too!
I was going to say the same thing! I am happiest when surrounded by nature or when engaging in my hobbies. But. I don’t have the type of job where I can do any of that! I don’t have one of those jobs other people seem to have where they blog at work or write their novel. And there’s nowhere outside for me to go that is either pretty or, honestly, safe.
I am so glad I’m not alone in my happiness = being in nature connection! But I absolutely hate that it’s not safe for you to connect to it (or a lack to it).
I’ve spent a lot of time staring at this post. Because I’m reaching for the same thing and I’m putting together ideas and have nothing consistent. But here’s what I’m reaching towards – and I cannot emphasise enough that I do not know my damn shit here –
1) Protect Myself From Abrasive Circumstances
I have a long list of words on twitter muted and am always willing to add. I avoid certain communities, mute certain discord channels. I don’t watch the news. Nobody can fight 24/7 and being able to disengage matters.
I also avoid some communities because of the tone they take to their problems. There’s one place that I think is very quick to say “neurodivergence, can’t help it, won’t win”. That’s infected me and made my life worse. I’m very careful about how often I go there now.
2) Find the things I do that make me happy and do them good and hard
No shit
3) Find ways to notice when I’m doing bad and coping strategies
One of my things when I’m feeling pissed off and like I can’t win is to just go clean up with some angry music in my headphones. Move, blow through the emotions. Sure, there’s a downside in that my wife now worries every time I do chores, but it works some.
There’s other things. Exercise. Favourite books. Certain TV shows and songs (I’ve created a playlist for high energy cheerfulness).
Because here’s the thing. Finding things to do that make you happy generally happens to most of us. But the mental struggles, in my experience and from listening to others are about
a) not being able to forget all the negative shit that life throws at us and having it go round and round in our brains
b) not being able to easily go back from that to happiness
So, happiness isn’t just about making yourself happy, it’s about shielding yourself and finding ways to let the bad moods pass by. It is about not letting the bad times sending you into a spiral. I am exceptionally bad at those things. But I think knowing about it can help me get better. It has.
I would also add that I think after long periods of having adverse mental circumstances, and when you’ve got brain chemistry that defaults that way, just being moderately happy is really hard. Or at least it is personally. You get used to being sad and really happy (because it’s happy + not being sad). Just being moderately happy is… well, personally, it’s boring. I’m like “why don’t I try to do something that makes me really happy?” Then I overreach and *bang*. Learning to be “this is nice, not every day must be fireworks” is a valuable thing. Or so I think.
“I’ve spent a lot of time staring at this post. Because I’m reaching for the same thing and I’m putting together ideas and have nothing consistent.”
^^ Gods, do I connect with this! I am *so* sorry it took me so long to respond (I’m like, a month overdue in responding to comments).
Also, while I appreciated everything you wrote, I ESPECIALLY connected with this that you shared:
“a) not being able to forget all the negative shit that life throws at us and having it go round and round in our brains
b) not being able to easily go back from that to happiness”
Like, THAT I am going to be sitting with for a good while. I do agree that it doesn’t need to be this black and white thinking of, “Oh, if I’m not OVERJOYED, then I should be DEPRESSED.” Like, there are spectrums and levels of happiness, sadness and everything in-between.
Thanks for this, Peat. Truly.
Glad it resonated, hope it helps.
I felt all of this so deeply. As others have said, the fact you’re reaching out and acknowledging it is absolutely huge and so brave, and amazing. That’s great you’re going to meet with a therapist, I hope they’re supportive in the way you need, but if you need to try others before you find a good fit that’s totally ok too. I know I’ve said it before, but I think a big one is to just be gentle with yourself. You’ve been in survival mode for so long, but now that you’ve come up for air and basically seen how bad your normal really was—that’s a big thing to reckon with! It’ll take a while to get back to a place where you’re not in constant survival mode, so just be gentle with yourself and any feelings that come up. You’re navigating a lot right now.
With how to get up each day considering all the shit that’s going on, it’s…..yeah it’s not easy, I get you on that. I also have to limit my exposure to news when I know it’ll just make me spiral, and I try to focus on really small things that I can either control or that I’m looking forward to. Even if it’s a new show, or a snack I want to try, or trying to find a new song to hyperfixate on, anything like that, no matter how small. It’s something to look forward to in the midst of all *gestures to the whole world* this.
I’m so glad you’re getting back to your writing too, and I hope that continues to bring you joy and ease (at least once the MFA is over!). You’re doing amazingly, just take it one day at a time and try your best. As Nicole said too, any progress is progress! And then when you have a down day/week/however long, just try to remember that it’s a storm, and it will pass <3 Always rooting for you!
Thank you so much, Meredith. I really hope therapy is really good on Tuesday *fingers crossed*. But I think you’re right: it’s been survival mode for so, so long that I have to relearn how to get out of that. But all of this is so, so wonderful, thank you. Your support means more than I can ever express. <3
I am diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression so this post led me to some introspective work myself. Thank you for that. Being with people I love and am loved by in return is important. I have a few people in my life with whom I am fully heard, seen, and accepted by and we not only support each other and make each other smile but we can vibe off each other’s energy when we need it. Meditation helps. I journal A LOT and that helps. You mentioned therapy above. My therapist is a godsend and for the last almost three years we’ve been using IFS (the Internal Family Systems model) as one of our treatment modalities. That has given me so much insight. It’s helping me learn to communicate with all my “parts” (feelings, memories, emotions, etc.) so I can understand them, hear them, and help give them what they need so as to eventually heal them. Personally, while it doesn’t happen all the time, approaching my anxiety via IFS helps to soothe it. The depression can be a bit harder to move but touching it through IFS has helped.
Also, ‘Doctor Who.’ For real. For me there’s just SOMETHING about that show. When I was in the darkest time of my life – emotionally, spiritually, with my mental health, hating my job, etc., it felt like my whole world was burning to the ground around me – the Doctor was the only thing I could watch. For four months it was the only thing on my TV…and it helped! So ‘Doctor Who’ isn’t for everyone but a show which you can watch and be reminded of the beauty, joy, and potential of humanity helps, too. Reading is obviously helpful, but when I’m deep into depression sometimes reading feels like it’s too much. TV is easier and ‘Doctor Who’ has buoyed me when I needed it.
With work, when it’s the most hellacious, I make a point of finding time for little things each day. I almost always watch ‘Wheel of Fortune’ and ‘Jeopardy!’ with my mom and best friend because it makes me happy. Of course there’s the Doctor. I journal and meditate most days. I go to the mall to enjoy a soft pretzel. I also try to stay off my phone. The worse I feel, the more anxious and disconnected my phone makes me feel (unless I’m talking with one of my core natural supports).
Anyway, for what it’s worth, that’s my formula (for now (as it changes with the day sometimes)). But this is the core of it. I hope it can help in some small way. And I’ll be thinking of you and sending all the prayers, love, and good vibes your way when work returns.
Thank you so much, Michael!!! This comment was absolutely lovely. Firstly, I am so glad you have a good support system and a good therapist. Those are just the best and most crucial things, in my opinion. I’m also so glad the Doctor has been so healing for you. Video game are often a similar escape for me!
Sending you all the positivity, happiness and good fortune I can muster. Thanks for always writing the most amazing, thoughtful and heartfelt comments. I always look forward to when your name pops up in my notifications!
You’re welcome :). I hope I’ve told you this before but I think your posts are so important. You’re an incredible writer, of course, but your self-disclosure is beautiful and inspiring. I always feel seen when I read your pieces and I know you bring that gift to so many others.
And yes! A good support system and a good therapist as key. I can’t believe how long I went trying to do everything on my own. It’s so much better having those natural supports and a therapist I trust.
You have mentioned that before, but it seriously made me day hearing it again!!! Thank you. 🥰 Sometimes, the weasels in my brain tell me I’m oversharing or this is too much but knowing it helps others!!! That’s all I want (while also processing things).
YES.
Teaching high school, I remember when I started talking openly about my anxiety disorder and depression in my classes. I did it because, after I was formally diagnosed, I wanted to own it as “part” of me and discuss it like I did with my diabetes. I wanted to become more comfortable with it. I also felt it was something I could do, in my own little way, to push back against the stigma surrounding mental health and mental illness. I was surprised by how many of my students would come up to me after! They’d talk about their own struggles, their own successes, how amazing it feels to have a great session with their therapists, and on and on. For some it was just mutual sharing. For others, I could tell how seen they felt by my sharing and how eager they were to share in kind and be heard. And I always think of that when I feel those weasels in my own brain telling me I’m oversharing in my writing or in person. Because if that sharing helps just one person feel seen or feel less alone or feel more “normal”…how exciting is that?? Plus, I always feel something positive in sharing, too. It’s like those parts know I’m not “ashamed” of them or they know I don’t feel the need to “hide” them because I’m writing about them on the blog or talking about them in public. So you’re right! It helps me process but then it also gives someone else that avenue to feel seen as well. Everyone wins ;D.