This has been a weird week in what has been a bizarre, depressing, overwhelming, terrifying–and yet, in some ways, desperately needed–year. I’m still working from home and my day job is in the throngs of it’s busiest season, so most days, I’m left drained and overworked. I’m also still working on client editing for my freelance business and editing my own novel. Then, there is reading for fun I want to do. Blog posts to read and write. Video games I want to play, movies I hope to watch. Time to spend with the boyfriend and our pets. Workouts I’d like to complete. A routine I want to establish. There is no limit of options of how to spend my time each day.
And yet, this week especially, I’ve struggled to do most of it.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ve been able to cross a lot off of my to-do list, so we’re pretty good on that front. It’s been more of a struggle to start doing each of these things, like a mental battle to just begin. Regardless of whether it’s something more challenging, like waking up earlier (since I’m not a morning person) or something I truly want to do, like playing video games or work on my novel, I’ve been struggling to get myself to start to do the things I both want and need to do. Even when I know I have a deadline. Even when I know it’ll make me happier. Even when I know I enjoy it, or it’s good for me, or that I’ll be glad I completed it, later.
My routine, for example.
I really want to start getting up earlier and working out before work in the morning. Not only would it help me be more active (which I really need, since I’ve become so sedentary since going remote; plus, being active helps my mental health a lot), but I think I would just be happier in general if I was able to get up earlier and have a morning routine, instead of rolling out of bed right before work and jumping straight into that. Yet, despite setting my alarm in the morning, I always snooze it. Even though I know I’ll be happier if I get up. Then, not only do I not get up, but I have this guilt attached, like I’m failing at doing the basic things I need to, in order to make myself happy. This guilt follows me around for the rest of the day, like a cloud that I can’t escape.
This has been happening a lot–and always has, for me, but it just seems more noticeable, of late.
Despite how happy reading makes me, I’ll find myself struggling to pick up a book before I go to bed.
Despite knowing that going for a walk with my dog is good for both me and her (despite my back pain while doing so), I’ll find myself making excuses or immediately logging onto my PS4 after work instead.
Despite knowing that working out will help boost my mental health, I’ll find myself skipping workouts and letting my depression take over.
It’s honestly exhausting, because I know the things I need to do in order to help boost my own happiness–something that’s particularly challenging currently, given the state of the world right now. Yet, I’m struggling to convince myself to do them? How is that even a thing?
I just wanted to reach out and see if anyone had any advice to combat this? Because I’m really tired of having shitty mental health days and would love to start doing these simple things to boost my happiness, but I can’t seem to overcome the main barrier–my own brain–to even get started, each day.
Any advice would be really appreciated. <3